The Nitty Gritty

(Easter Sunday. Mom has been on steroids for a while and that makes her puffy, yes she looks different, but that's the look of a warrior! :)

In an effort to make it through this post I will be as clinical as possible.

Okay, so when a person is on chemo, they are usually on it for a few weeks at a time. I have been told by medical professionals that chemo is just the nastiest stuff, many call it poison. Mom has been on chemo for 18 months. It has taken it's toll on her body. It is no longer helping and is now detrimental. She made the decision to go off of treatment during General Conference weekend. When we informed the doctors of her decision they were glad we came to that conclusion on our own first, it was going to be their recommendation we go off anyway.

So, mom went off treatment. She was lucid when she made this decision. What does that mean you ask?

It means that mom's body cannot keep up with her fightin' spirit anymore. Her cute little body is starting to fail her.

So, Elder Bird got to fly home for a 3 day pass from his mission (his mission president is an amazing man). Jacob got to come and hug and love and see and help (we all got to be together on Easter Sunday, not a coincidence!). He is safely back in Tucson and has peace. He now understands as he had the tangible experience he needed. It doesn't make it easier, but a little understanding goes a long way.

Okay, that's all for now.

Let's review:

Mom's off chemo, it was her choice.
Jacob got to see her.
All her kids were together on Easter Sunday.

Oh yeah, we moved back to Spokane yesterday. We are here at home, right where she wanted to be.

I can't give you a when, but it could be very soon, or a few months. Nobody but her Father in Heaven knows, thank goodness we know where she is going next.

Just know, we never gave up the fight, but you just can't win 'em all.

Thank you for your help and your prayers. We still need them. This is hard, but it is an honor to take care of this beautiful and amazing woman.

Spring Catch Up!

This is a letter I wrote to Elder Jacob Bird, my younger brother, who is currently serving a full-time mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I thought I would post it here, which is not something I normally would do. It's a good summary of the last few weeks. If bits and pieces are confusing, oh well. :) Jake and I usually write a lot less formally, but there is always a time and a place huh?

Thanks for hanging in there with us. My family loves all of you.


Hello! It's Monday! March 26th!

Crazy huh!? It's been 7 years since dad checked out. That's a crass way to put it. :) You have been such a stud dealing with all of it. I just want you to know how impressed I am with the young man you have become. Technically, I should say impressed with the man you have become. You graduated high school with a great transcript, got into BYU, are currently serving a honorable mission and you are dealing with a sick mom at home and YOU are teaching and changing so many lives around you. Your mission president thinks the world of you and so do France and I and the rest of your family. Grandma and Papa think you are awesome and the whole Bird family cannot wait to hear all about your mission when you get home this August. We are even going to have a get together where you talk about your mish and I am gonna make you perform the song you wrote (if I don't, Grandma Bird will!).

So lemme catch you up on the last few weeks!
Sam and I went to ORLANDO with the Coopers and went to Disneyworld. Her and I were talking on video chat and she asked me if I wanted to go thinking that I would say no. Well I didn't, and less than a week later he and I were on a plane to Florida. Sammy had a flu and had major diarrhea the WHOLE time and I had a sinus infection, but we made it. He threw up on me three times during the flight and COVERED me. HA! He also had diarrhea'd on me on It's a Small World. Yuck! He loved Pirates of the Caribbean tho! I'll send you some pics!

So I got to spend my Birthday (I'm 27!) with Jen and Todd in Savannah and then we drove up to Charleston to sight see for a few days. Sammy is a little traveler.

Brent was released as Bishop yesterday. He will be missed, what more can I say. He looks forward to serving with the young men of the Stake in a new calling. Bishop Todd Rogers has a nice ring to it huh? :)

Mom has been doing so great this last month and enjoyed having grandma and papa take care of her so I could have a break. Mom is a lot of work these days. It's not easy, but I love her and would do anything for her, we all would and we have had so many helping hands along the way from our home ward, from family and from our Mountain Home ward that I have simply lost count. Service is much easier to give than receive huh? It takes a lot of humility to ask for help, something that I have had to learn. We have needed the help and still do. We have so many people to thank.

We ended up in the ER yesterday, Mom was pretty dehydrated. Paula and Kennon stopped by and Kennon helped France give mom a Priesthood blessing. Heavenly Father wanted her to know that he is asking her to endure a little longer, that she is still teaching all of us.

Jake, I was very worried yesterday. I nearly called the mission president to put him on alert. I hesitated and it was the right thing to do. She is home with us today, she doesn't remember a thing from yesterday. She's not remembering much lately. She is also not eating or drinking very well either. These are not good signs. Please continue to work hard and pray hard. Elder Bird, you teach the plan of Salvation everyday, but you are also living it. YOU live it every moment. I don't know what the next week will bring. I don't know if this weekend was just a hiccup in her health or a sign of things to come. I will keep the mission office informed if there is any change. I still think we have a little while. I will let you know. Will you write her a little Jakey love note to her? She loves hearing from you, we all do. We are here for you, we admire you, we absolutely love and adore you.

Talk to you soon.
Love, Lindsay

PS From Mom "Love you Gordon, keep up the good work."

It is a good work you're doing Jacob, the best.

Ah, life. :)

Hello everyone. I promised to update soon. Please count this as soon!

Since October's Gamma Knife procedure things have changed somewhat. The gamma was successful in removing a good portion of regrowth, which is amazing. The MRI looked great. Whew.

So here's some info.
Mom ends up in the ER for various things and after mimicking a stroke before Christmas we found her there yet again. Her amazing friend (and nurse!) Debbie had helped us out all day and was at the house and was able to get her into the car and get her to the ER quickly (with our amazing neighbors following). I stayed home. I couldn't do it that night. I stayed home with Sam and Kels and prayed. Kira ran over to help with Sam as I arranged a plane ticket for France to come on the next flight. We didn't know what would happen that night. It was humbling, frightening and truthfully, very scary.
Thankfully, she had not had a stroke but her brain had swollen from stress and caused the left side of her face to fall. They took an MRI on that December day and her tumor had NOT progressed. Whew.
During those weeks following gamma knife which happened to be Christmas break, my family was busy preparing for my mom to receive 24 hour care, at our house, in Idaho. Her doctors told us it was time to keep an eye on her around the clock. Our family had that confirmed to us all through the quite whisperings of the spirit. It was not a difficult decision to make and mom agreed, knowing it was the right thing to do.
She is here with us now. Enjoying Sammy's smiles and all the love we can give here. Family and friends are visiting constantly and we welcome the company. France and I even went on a date last week (so important we are finding out)! Our amazing ward here has jumped in and brought food and friendship. Her visiting teachers are stopping in as well as anyone else that gets wind of the new sister in the ward. I love that about my faith, wherever we go, we will always have a new huge ward family to welcome us in. We are never alone.

I just want you all to know, we have the business taken care of, we have Kelsey taken care of. Elder Bird in Arizona is up to date on mom and those two have been able to see each other on video chat. Heavenly Father truly is looking out for us. Mom is having a hard time adjusting to being away from the home she has lived in for so long. It seems as if our whole lives are wrapped up in Spokane and to ask her to walk away has been extremely challenging. Life is a funny thing.

I just want to take up some space on this blog to bear my testimony of life. We are here because we chose to come. We chose to come to this beautiful earth and experience joy and pain. To love, to hurt. To know true happiness. To have families. To learn to crawl, walk, run and then slow down again as our time comes to a close. This life is but a moment in the scheme of things. I know that for a fact. I lived before and I will live again. As much as I don't want to let mom go, my dad will be there to welcome her home. She may not be there at graduation for my brothers, she may not meet the women of their dreams and tell them how handsome they look and how lucky they are at the Temple on their wedding days and she may not be there to hold our babies when they come. But she will hand those babies to us. Grandma and grandpa get to teach them and be with them before, help prepare them for this incredible experience. They will be there for us, all around us.
I am full of gratitude to my Savior for helping me understand that life is to be lived and to fill our time here with good works and love and joy. Life is not to be wasted wandering in paths we know can be harmful to ourselves and others. Why waste such precious time? I know that Jesus is the Christ and through him I will live again. I will be with my family again. You too. :)

The doctors have not given up on her. She is still fighting. We know that her being alive today is a miracle already considering what she has been through. She is smiling and fighting. She is eating. She is balding! She is happy. She loves the little hugs and kisses she gets from Sam. She loves hearing letters from Jake, video chatting with her beautiful granddaughters in Georgia and her son in Spokane and spending time watching movies with Brett when he visits. We love her.

For those caretakers and family members out there who have gone through this or are currently enduring, our hearts go out to you, we think of you and pray for you too. Cancer is ugly, but life is beautiful isn't it? Mom's time on this earth may be coming to a close sooner than we thought, but boy has she lived and she's sticking around for while. Come visit. :)

John 14:27 ^aPeace I leave with you, my ^bpeace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be ^ctroubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27

Love, Lindsay


PS, what timing for this message. I love the Mormon Messages. LOVE them.

Big Changes!

Mom is officially moving to Idaho next week to come live with us! We appreciate all your continual love and support, you're all beyond incredible. Angels walk amongst us everywhere we go. ;)

She's done with the Gamma Knife! Mom's not gonna like this picture, but she's done! The bandages are to keep her incisions from bleeding and can come off tomorrow! She is so thankful for all you support! We ALL are! Thank YOU! Love, The Bird Kids.

Mama Bird is currently undergoing Gamma Knife Radiation for that lame tumor. Cross you fingers! Say your prayers! :) Thanks all!

Well Crud....

We found out yesterday that mom's tumor is a persistent little turd, and has decided to show up again. It goes without saying that this is not what we wanted or anticipated.
We are now onto plan B.
Plan A was the chemo/radiation and Avastin. We think the chemo stopped working, but Mom hasn't....so we are off the study and onto new things.
Plan B is a combination of gamma knife and a different chemo and hopefully more Avastin soon (it's now FDA approved). We do not know the schedule, nor do we know when or where this new regimen will begin. All we know is that the doctors were sad to give us the news, but just as excited to try out the gamma knife.

The gamma knife is precise, we've heard that it eradicates tumors for years. Mom couldn't have it the first time because her tumor was too large and needed surgically removed. The second time her regrowth was barely visible and so it also didn't qualify, now her tumor regrowth is just right (really it's just wrong). Mom and I were talking today and compared it to Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Her tumor is now mama bear size and the gamma knife can obliterate it. Yes, obliterate. Somehow that word is more awesome than it should be right now.

So don't be sad. We're sad enough for everyone, trust us. Somehow though, we are still hopeful, the initial shock wore off quickly this time. No more time for tears (okay maybe a few). So she's tightening her laces, and putting on her armor and is ready for battle, again.

There is so much to tell and yet with how much we have been on the phone and talking to our little family, I don't have it in me to rehash. I know we have ALL been there. Thank you for reading and keeping us in your prayers, we still get email and cards and phone calls and FB messages reminding us that you still pray for her. Thank you thank you thank you.

Heavenly Father knows the plan and we are discovering it, step by step, little by little. Our faith and trust in Him has increased yet again. Jesus Christ is our Savior, our Redeemer and He knows better than anyone the pain and suffering we are all going through, that mom's going through, that we, her children are going through.

My parents would have been married 32 years this month, we celebrate it as we always do, and it's just a lovely reminder that families will and can be together forever. Do not doubt that promise, it will change your life.

I will have an update sooner this time.

xoxo Lindsay

My family (and Grandma!) Circa 1995.
Oh yeah, that's a good looking bunch. Hahaha.

Ain't She The Cutest!

Yeah, we love our grandma Sheri.

July and some August

I have been avoiding this post for a while now.......don't worry! It's good. Amazing actually. The stuff of miracles. I just couldn't figure out what to say and after receiving some news this past weekend I now know why.

We have some wonderful news and some sad news. It seems as if GBM stage 4 cancer is popping up allover the country. We have met quite a few people who are fighting it, one in particular is someone we consider part of the family, (family, though not technically related, can be made up of people you choose for yourselves). We have known the McLaws family pretty much our whole lives, ever since Camille rode up on her purple bicycle to say 'hi'. We have been through a lot with them...good times, and bad. We love them. I hardly have a memory of Spokane without them in it. As we have gotten to know them, we have also had the pleasure of meeting their huge and wonderful extended family who was fighting our same fight. Angela's sister-in-law Lisa was diagnosed with GBM Stage 4 about four months before our mom was. I remember hearing the news and being so saddened by it, she was so young! You never think things like this will happen to your family, and then it does.

This past weekend, Lisa's fight came to an end. She fought and so did her family. She and my mom had been keeping track of each other's progress. It was good to get updates, to know that other people knew what we were going through. But the updates gradually tapered off and we were told it was to protect us, to keep us going strong. Thank you for that. Lisa's battle was much harder than we would ever know. The chemo regimen was too hard on her body. I don't know the specifics. I want the Forsey family to know that your courage and faith with Lisa's fight helped ours and still does. We love you, think about you constantly and and know that Heavenly Father is in charge. We know what it is like to lose a parent, and with the utter devestation comes an overwhelming understanding of the Plan of Salvation that you can only learn through an experience like this. As we always say in our family about losing our dad, you never move on, you only move forward. Prayers and love are being sent your way.

Mom and I received the news on Saturday. It was awful. We too are fighting this fight. We immediately put ourselves in their situation and it was just awful.

Mom is fighting hard on her own, her faith her attitude and her desire to kick cancer's butt is amazing, but so was Lisa's. It's hard to write this, and out of respect for Lisa's family I will be short. Mom's Avastin is working. Her last MRI showed that the tumor is shrinking, that it's hardly visible. The tumor is being starved of it's blood supply and mom is responding incredibly to the treatment. Her white blood cells are perfect, her health is stable. Her chemo treatments aren't going as well and her body is kinda rejecting the 'poison' that is chemo. She breaks out in MAJOR hives allover her body after treatment, but her doctors are working with the research team to get that under control. The doctors are learning so much through mom's expirience and we hope they can help others with that knowledge.

The lady who schedules mom's avastin drips has this stuffed bear on her desk and it says 'Cancer Sucks'. So true little bear, so true.

There is joy to be found in the world, even during trials and tribulations. Life truly is beautiful.

Thank you for your prayers, They keep us going. Heavenly Father hears every single one of them.
Lindsay

May/June

Mom's first grandson! Samuel France Nielson. Wahoo!

Three generations!

Giving him his first bath, a grandmothers tradition.

Oh yeah.
52. Take that tumor!!!!

So it's been way too long since we've had an update. Right at the end of May, the day I had a hair appointment scheduled and the intent of writing on the blog, I (thankfully) went into labor. In the month since, we've been a little busy. :)

Mom came to visit in May a few weeks before we had Sam as France was going out of town. That picture I posted of her and the suitcase was at my house in California. I was so thankful she made it! The day she flew down was really hard on her and she couldn't find some meds she needed and was surprised at how hard it was to travel, but she TRAVELED (and we became acquainted with the Walgreen's in Vacaville, thanks cancer center for all the RX's you sent our way!!!). It was her first 'trip' since that stinky tumor showed up! We had some beautiful weather and seeing as I was over 9 months pregnant we didn't do much but sleep (and take a pretty drive through Napa!). She was such a trooper. The trip fell exactly in between Chemo and Avastin treatments and I am so thankful to her doctors and our neighbors Ken & Tami Winston and Angela McLaws for getting her packed, to the airport and back again and giving her the encouragement that she could go! Sadly, the last few days she was here she got really sick and had to post pone getting home, when she finally made it back to Spokane it took her a good while to recover before she started her next round of medications.

The great thing is, mom can go to church and some parties once in a while, but then she spends the next few days 'recovering' from them. BUT she loves getting out and seeing all her friends and feeling human again!

SO then little Sam came, her first grandson, third grandbaby. She had a round of Avastin scheduled to take during the week after Sammy was born and we all decided that getting her Avastin and seeing Sammy grow up was more important than getting to California immediately and seeing Sammy as a brand newborn and that's it, it was our way of making the situation okay. :) So she waited to come till she had a break in between treatments.

With Kelsey, lot's of prayers and more than a little help from the same neighbors, mom descended again to CA and got to hold her first grandson. I don't know who fell in love first, Sam or mom. :) They had a good week together, napping and smiling at eachother on the couch. We are so thankful for everyone's help in making that happen! THANK YOU!

While here, SHE TURNED 52! Wahoo (or 29 again, either way.) She says she wasn't sure if she'd make it to 52, psh, whatever. We all knew she would, and I think she's got 52 more in her. Oh yes.

She's been back in Spokane now for a few weeks and has had some good days and some rather bad days. PLEASE keep her in your prayers, they are STILL WORKING. Brett is with her today getting fluids at the cancer center as she throws up a lot (TMI, I know) but this tends to happen after chemo. She won't be traveling again for awhile and we know it was totally a blessing that she got to come in the first place. So yes, she looks great, amazing even, and has days where she feels pretty great and for that we are truly thankful.

There are also many rough days that no one (besides those living with/around her) sees. Cancer sucks, I don't mean to paint a rosy picture of it, we just really try to focus on the positive ya know! As I have said before, we are all fighting battles every day. We don't always win every fight, but we sure can try, right? Faith gets us through and thankfully our life on earth will be but a moment when we get to the other side and see the big picture (I just don't want mom to see it QUITE yet). The Lord has His timing for everything.

PS When mom was in the ICU the doctors asked her if there was anyone she wanted to see in particular as the ICU is not a great place to have visitors, and mom replied "I just don't wanna see Keith!". It made us all laugh and know that she was gonna be a fighter. We all miss dad, but it's true, we can wait a while to see him again, and that's because we know we will. :)

Thanks everyone. We love you.